Adolescent : A teen who acts like a baby if you don't treat them like an adult.
Adult: Person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Ahead: The thing on top of your neck.
Ambassador : An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. Similarly, a condition that enables men to marry after a divorce.
Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Argument: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but the other just hasn't realized yet.
Assassination : Extreme form of censorship.
Baby-sitter: Teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.
Bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Bank:A place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it.
Bath: A process by which humans drench the floor, walls and themselves.
Bathroom: Room used by the entire family for private purposes, believed by all - except mom - to be self-cleaning.
Beauty : The power with which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
Better: What we instantly feel when we realize our neighbor's problems are as bad as our own
Birth control: Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men, or spending time around children.
Boss: 1) Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. 2) Someone who can say something really stupid without having anyone disagree.
Buffet: A French word that means "get up and get it yourself."
Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong.
Car sickness: The feeling you get when the car payment is due.
Celebrity: 1) One who is known by many people he is glad he didn't know. 2) A person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Censor : A man who thinks he knows more than you ought to.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Child: God's punishment for having sex.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
Clarionet, n.: An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet – two clarionets.
Classic: Something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. ( Mark Twain)
Committee: 1) A group of people who keep minutes and waste hours. 2) Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Common Sense : Genius dressed up in working clothes.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conclusion : What you reach when you're tired of thinking.
Conference room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Consultant: 1) Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege 2) Someone you call in at the last minute to share the blame.
Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.
Credit: Negative money, which you can spend like normal money.
Credit Card: Plastic device allowing you to buy things you cannot afford, so the economy can thrive on the lack of money.
Crew: 1) Sailor's term: heavy, stationary objects used on ships to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom. 2) In air travel: people who try to remind that when the plane crashes, it is useful to wear a safety belt. They sometimes serve a snack called dinner, or five peanuts which they call a snack, and use trolleys as a way to prevent you from reaching the toilet.
Depth: height turned upside down.
Doctor: Person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Dog: The only thing on Earth that will love you more than you love yourself.
Economist: 1) A person who knows more about money than the people who have it. 2) A a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.
Economy class: No class.
Expert: 1) One who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. 2) Someone who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Eye contact: Method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Difficult for men because woman's eyes are not located on her breasts.
Fashion: Form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Goal: Dream with a deadline.
Gossip: Lie, unless the truth will do more damage.
Hardware, n.: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
Hypocrite, n.: Man who murders his parents, and then pleads for mercy on the grounds that he is an orphan. (Abraham Lincoln)
Income tax: Money one needs to pay in order to work.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Interesting: A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
Job: A place where you work just hard enought to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting.
Laziness: The habit of resting before you get tired.
Lottery: Voluntary tax on people who are bad at math.
Manager: Someone in charge, who tells others to do what (s)he cannot themselves.
Miser, n.: Person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Philosophy: A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.
Professor: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
Proverb: A short sentence based on long experience.
Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
Secret: Information you distribute to one person at a time.
Vegetarian, n.: Old indian word for bad hunter.